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New Inclusivity Unit
@ 2008-06-09 – 09:30:41
The Party on the march! Also known as the Conservative Party has announced that it is to launch a new Inclusivity Unit to broaden party support. The new unit is aimed at opening up dialogue with groups not normally seen as natural Tories, such as young people, people from ethnic minorities and people in general. "We want to find out the opinions of people who make up modern Britain. We're no longer the upper class party we perhaps once were," said Sir Lancelot Wittering-Smythe, a Central Office spokesman.Members will include:
• Old Jenks, David Cameron's grouse beater, who will be consulted on rural affairs. In keeping with the new informality, Jenks won't have to call Cameron "squire" during meetings.
• Jimmy Tarbuck will advise on inner-city problems, as he's from Liverpool.
• A woman - no appointment has yet been made but a source confirmed there would definitely be a female. "It's very now, very zeitgeist - just so long as she's not ugly."
Wittering-Smythe denies this is a panic measure due to a spate of poor opinion polls up north."Just because Dave went to Oxford, married an aristocrat and is descended from royalty doesn't mean he isn't an ordinary kind of guy. He's always been concerned for the poor. When I was his fag at Eton he gave a very generous tip to the college porter at Christmas."
As with the environment, Cameron wants Tory MPs to set a personal example. "Servants shouldn't have to doff their caps anymore," said Smythe, "that's so 1980s."
However, not all Tories are happy with these developments. "It's political correctness gone mad," commented backbencher Sir Reginald Buffington-Cleft. "Christ, We'll be asking our butlers for their opinions next."
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War on Terror
@ 2008-06-02 – 09:52:40
The Happening Place Team received a cassette tape from an anonymous source this morning containing a private telephone conversation alleged to have passed between ex Prime Minister, Tony Blair and Gordon Brown, the then Chancellor of the Exchequer.
The tape reveals a rare glimpse into the Machiavellian mind of the man who has single-handedly won the War on Terror, slashed Hospital waiting times and endeared himself to millions of eco-friendly Brits by his popular ban on fox hunting.
TONY: “I meant to call you.”
GORDON: “Oh, I see. What’s new then, what’s on your mind?’
TONY: “Well, there’s two things actually, and they’re both rather, ha-ha, delicate.”
GORDON: “Rather ha-ha delicate you say? Sounds - interesting…’
TONY: “Well, err, Gordon, you see the thing is, well… Now I don’t want us to argue again. I know we’ll only both end up hurt and confused. But there are things we simply must discuss.”
GORDON: “Hurt and confused? What are you talking about?”
TONY: “Well, it’s just I don’t want you getting upset.”
GORDON: “Look here’s what we’ll do. We’ll both put our knobs on the table. Sort this out like men. You show me yours, I’ll show you mine and well take it from there.”
TONY: “Really? Do you think that’s wise? It’s just that I’ve got John Prescott in the office today. You know he’s rather excitable. And if I get, err umm, ‘little Tony,’ out, he’s bound to notice. You know what he’s like.”
GORDON: “I didn’t mean… It’s a figure of… Oh forget it, never mind. John’s there you say? Could you do me a favour and tell him to stop urinating in the plant pots in reception.”TONY: “Oh, he’s doing that again is he? Look the thing with John is, he’s a little, well, er — eccentric. He means no harm, you know. Actually, he’s a really nice bloke once you get to know him. You’d like him, really you would. He’s not too bad if you can work out what he’s saying and he doesn’t try to start a fight with you. You know, actually, he’s a bloody nice bloke.”
GORDON: “Eccentric? Well that’s one way of putting it. The man's a total arse.”
TONY: “Yes, yes, Gordon, really that’s quite enough. Can’t we all just get along? You know, like the good old days. I remem—”(At this point on the tape the Prime Minister broke off and the sound of a door opening followed by muffled speech could be heard in the background)
JOHN '2 Jags' PRESCOTT: “What the fook? Prime Minister, you do realize you have your cock out on the desk?”
( two loud thumps are quickly followed by more rustling, the sound of a zipper closing and further muffled speech)
TONY: “Oh, er , Hi, um — John. Look, could we leave our ten o’clock until later?”
JOHN '2 Jags' PRESCOTT: ‘Why? It’s ten o’clock now isn’t it?”
TONY: “Well, yes, but I have the President of France on the phone — ”
JOHN '2 Jags' PRESCOTT: “— Oh, that snotty ponce. Well I guess I'll leave you to it then.”
(lengthy pause)
JOHN '2 Jags' PRESCOTT: “Ah, I get it now. Your cock I mean. Beautifully disrespectful gesture you sly old bugger. That titwank Chirac’ll never know; subtle but brilliant. I'm surprised I've never thought of it myself. Well, I’ll leave you for now.”
(sound of heavy footsteps and door slamming )GORDON: "So I'm the president of bleeding France now, am I? Well it's not quite what I was after, I was hoping for something a bit closer to home."
TONY: "Well, Gordon, I could hardly tell him it was you could I? He'd get all jealous and then there’d be trouble.”
GORDON: “Hmm..”
TONY: “Okay, to business. I’ll come right out with it. Thing is..you see, um, as I’m sure you're aware.. Look Gordon. Look here, we're simply going to have to re-brand this war thing, before the election, I mean — if not sooner.”
GORDON: “You what?”
TONY: “I’ve had the marketing guys take a look, and this war is, just, well — far too messy. There are dead people in the streets of Fallu, Falla, er, some place in Iraq. Did you know that? Christ, Gordon, people are dying out there and frankly they're starting to smell. We have squaddies coming home in coffins. Pictures of screaming women in bombed out streets. Mass looting. Not to mention dozy American tarts interrogating prisoner's testicles with cattle prods. Frankly it’s a bloody PR nightmare.”
GORDON: “Death, bombs, rape, looting, chaos; yep, sounds like war to me…”
TONY: “That’s really not the point, Gordon. Look the point is, the point is — um, we have decided to rename the ‘War on Terror’™. It’s that word — war. You see, it just has certain, er, connotations. Frankly I'm not too keen on 'Terror', either.."
GORDON: “Connotations?”TONY: “Yes, connotations. Well, anyway, we have decided to re-brand the war as the ‘Campaign for Organised Calm & Ushering Peace. COC-UP for short."
GORDON: “COC-UP? I'm glad you'll be the one telling the House about it and not me.”
TONY: “Stop being so bloody negative, Gordon. We’ve done the research — we know what we're doing."
GORDON: “Do we now? Hmm, Campaign, Campaign. You know who’s always good in a Campaign situation?”
TONY: “No, who?”
GORDON: “Our good friend John Prescott of course.”
TONY: “Actually you might have a point. He doesn’t take any shit, does he?”
GORDON: “Exactly. In fact I’m just designing him a placard now, so we can air-lift him in.”
TONY: “A placard? Air-lift him in. Do Jaguar make helicopters?”
GORDON: “Who cares? My placard is really rather neat. It says, ‘Allah is Gay,’ in Arabic, in big black letters. I thought we could parachute him into any remaining rebel strongholds — sorry, Freudian slip, I meant 'centres of insurgency'. You know, see how he gets along?”
TONY: “Okay, look Gordon, perhaps we should talk about this later. You are clearly not taking this at all seriously. There is another, much more pressing matter we must discuss.”
GORDON: “Oh…”
TONY: “It’s about The Coffee.”
GORDON: “The coffee?
TONY: “Yes, The Coffee. We both know that I've had a few health problems lately.”
GORDON: (suddenly perking up) “Yes, Yes, oh Yes!"
TONY: “Only two days ago I sent my secretary out to get me some Decaf — doctor’s orders. I specifically instructed her to get me that Carte Noir stuff. I wanted some quality coffee. I am the Prime Minister for fuck's sake. I don’t see why I should have to drink that Nescafe rubbish with the rest of the Plebs. Well, it depleted rather rapidly I’m afraid to say.”
GORDON: “Perhaps I may suggest the Prime Minister should cut back a little — even if is Decaf.”
TONY: “Yes, yes Gordon, very droll. The truth is someone’s being helping themselves to my personal bloody Carte Noir. It really won’t do, you know..”
( long pause)
TONY: “We both know it can’t be John. He only drinks beer.”
GORDON: ‘”Yes, very true...”
TONY: “Okay, no more beating about the bush. I got a chappie from MI6 on the case and you were top of his list of suspects.”
GORDON: “You got MI6 involved? Isn't that a bit dramatic, a bit O-T-T, shall we say?”
TONY: (getting annoyed) “Quite frankly if you think that the health of the Prime Minister of this country is not a serious matter then…”
GORDON: “Okay, okay, okay. Tony. I’m sorry, but it wasn’t me. I promise you.”
TONY: “Do you promise?”
GORDON: “I promise.”TONY: “Because you know that trust and honesty are going to be very important in the coming election campaign. If we are seen to make a promise, we simply must keep it.”
GORDON: “That’s a very interesting point Tony. Very interesting indeed, I couldn’t agree more. I was wondering if you remember a conversation we had a long time ago... The one where we discussed how it might be possible for two good friends, and political allies, to share the leadership of this party.”
TONY: “Er, hmm, No, er — I'm really not sure I can recall ever having.. look, would you hang on a minute, my special red light's flashing? Look, sorry Gordon, I’ve got George W on the other line. I’ve really got to go."(At this point there were several loud clicks followed by a dialling tone and the recording came to an abrupt end)
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U.S. Issues ban of Hersey's Chocolate
@ 2008-05-23 – 14:30:27
**Breaking News**
Straight from the AP:
Congress has now officially passed a bill banning Hersey's chocolate from being sold in the United States. The bill brought before Congress by presidential hopeful Senator Hilary Clinton states that Hersey's chocolate is the leading cause of obesity in women ages 25-45.
Chocolate, known to be an aphrodisiac, has been used by women to cure work stress, man-problems, depression, menstrual pains and any other situation that causes them grief for years. The Senator admittedly confessed to eating chocolate during the late 90's following rumors of an extramarital affair of husband President Bill Clinton with chocoholic intern Monica Lewinsky. The Senator stated that during that time, that perhaps she needed to become more of a chocoholic to help ease marital pains and be more attractive to her husband. With this, Senator Clinton gained weight, had an increase in the number of pimples and was actively rejected by the media. With this extra turmoil in her life, the Senator began investigating the loved U.S. chocolate manufacture as to why this little chocolate bar had done so much damage to her. She began by ordering chocolate from other areas of the World, mainly Europe, to compare these sweet treats.
What she found is the basis for the new legislative law. Hersey's contains very little chocolate in it at all. It is full of "extra crap" not needed to make a quality chocolate bar when compared to other European manufactures. The extra ingredients have all been proven to have negative health effects. The biggest culprit is the Hersey's Kiss treat. These little morsels, grabbed by the handful in regular womens group therapy sessions do more damage than good. With the little amount of chocolate contained in each Kiss, the satisfying action that comes from chocolate is diminished significantly, requiring you to eat more. Thus increasing the daily calorie intake significantly.
This reporter consulted the on-staff chocolate expert only to be known as "RTB" who informed me that Europeans have know this for years. In fact the first time that RTB tried a Kiss she nearly gagged at the repugnant rteat and had to drink 5 pints of Guinness to get the taste out of her mouth. Her only comment was "I can't believe American people like these, they're disgusting!"
In closing the Senators plan of action is to increase the amount of quality imported chocolate in to the U.S. to provide the women of the U.S. with a chocolate source that can help with the fore mentioned issues.
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Princess Di "CrashAlot"
@ 2008-05-21 – 13:40:19
Look out! Crash! Bang! Wallop! What a show! Roll up, roll up, folks! There's a new hit musical speeding towards the London stage and guess what? Its brakes don't work.
With lyrics by Ben Elton and music by a past-it British rock band of yesteryear (tba), "Last Uno in Paris" promises to be the latest West End smash (literally) to persuade hordes of American tourists to part with their cash. With Eric Idle rejecting the idea of writing "Crashalot", it was left to the double-seat-loving Elton to pen the words to the new extravaganza which will be set in a Paris underpass and feature all-dancing, all-singing French paramedics, doctors and paparazzi.
Over the next eight months the BBC are to run a primetime show on Saturday evenings (to be repeated on Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and Friday with follow-ups on BBC Three, a tie-in book and live web streaming of the Diana Fountain) called "Strictly Come Dying" in a bid to find a suitably desperate actress to play Diana. Stupid members of the public will be able to waste their money phoning in to vote for their favourite stiff.
"We're looking for someone with blonde hair who can basically keep still for two hours and play dumb," said Graham Norton, who added that Boris Johnson had already expressed an interest in the part.
The show, sponsored by Mercedes and Harrods, will centre on the mysterious white Fiat Uno that is said to have caused Diana's limousine to crash. The unexplained deadly fatal crash, which killed Diana, her boyfriend and their pissed driver ten years ago, has been the cause of much controversy and speculation, culminating in this latest money-spinner.
Many nutters with nothing better to do, believe the white Fiat, which doesn't exist, was driven deliberately at the Mercedes by an assassin. The BBC will also be running a search for a Prince Philip look-alike to play the Uno's
driver."This is a fuggin' great idea," said corner shop owner Mohammed Al-Fayed. "Now the truth about how the fuggin' royal family killed my beloved son, and that woman he was doing, will come out."
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New Paedophiles Strategy
@ 2008-05-14 – 13:23:11
Jackie Spliff, Labour's choice of Home Secretary for May, has announced tough new plans to combat increasing fears over paedophiles and the fact that they all seem to live near children.
"If you find a paedophile, it's extremely likely that there's going to be a child within a mile or so of him," said the politician, "so we're going to house all known offenders in Worthing & Eastbourne which are just full of old people. All unknown offenders, particularly foreign ones, will be allowed to roam the country indefinitely. This will continue until such a time that there is an appalling crime, followed by a public outcry and my eventual sacking."
Alleged newspaper 'The News of the World' has recently decided to start yet another campaign calling for a UK-style 'Megan's Law' in a bid to sell more newspapers. The red-top, which is of such low quality you wouldn't even wrap your chips in it, recently discovered that 60 ex-offenders have been housed at sites near schools.
In the US Megan's Law allows vigilantes access to the sex offenders list, meaning they can firebomb the correct house, unlike in the UK. It is hoped that a British version would give paediatricians a much needed break from the continual harassment they currently receive from ignorant Sun readers with nothing better to do.
Ex Liberal Democrat leader Menzies Campbell urged caution with regards to introducing a new law:
"Children? They're the little people aren't they?" the doddery old Scot muttered, "I used to be one of those a long, long time ago. Would you like a Werther's Original?"
