Jackie Spliff, Labour's choice of Home Secretary for May, has announced tough new plans to combat increasing fears over paedophiles and the fact that they all seem to live near children.
"If you find a paedophile, it's extremely likely that there's going to be a child within a mile or so of him," said the politician, "so we're going to house all known offenders in Worthing & Eastbourne which are just full of old people. All unknown offenders, particularly foreign ones, will be allowed to roam the country indefinitely. This will continue until such a time that there is an appalling crime, followed by a public outcry and my eventual sacking."
Alleged newspaper 'The News of the World' has recently decided to start yet another campaign calling for a UK-style 'Megan's Law' in a bid to sell more newspapers. The red-top, which is of such low quality you wouldn't even wrap your chips in it, recently discovered that 60 ex-offenders have been housed at sites near schools.
In the US Megan's Law allows vigilantes access to the sex offenders list, meaning they can firebomb the correct house, unlike in the UK. It is hoped that a British version would give paediatricians a much needed break from the continual harassment they currently receive from ignorant Sun readers with nothing better to do.
Ex Liberal Democrat leader Menzies Campbell urged caution with regards to introducing a new law:
"Children? They're the little people aren't they?" the doddery old Scot muttered, "I used to be one of those a long, long time ago. Would you like a Werther's Original?"